Thursday, July 17, 2008

The House Rules for College Football

Thanks Ashton!

If someone could frame this and hang it up for the games we'll be seeing from home (very few since I have NCSU season tickets and BF has UNC season tickets)... that would be great!

The House Rules for College Football
by Fox Sports blogger Lisa H.
(which is a great first name, but not the same person as the author of this blog, "Growing Up Southern"...)

It's getting close. Only forty-six days until the start of college football. It is now time to post the house rules. You know what I'm talking about.

That legendary list of rules that every family needs to abide by during college football season. The list that supercedes all other lists. The list that will be copied and pasted to the front of the fridge. Read it and weep, non-college football fans.

1- There shall be an open view of the hi-def television at all times.

Any child that stands in front of the TV to get attention from me will be permanently disowned. Unless loss of limb or mass quantities of blood is apparent (and we are talking visible proof here), no cries of injury will be attended to by me (find Daddy if you feel like fainting). Grab a band-aid and take a Motrin. Better yet, rub some dirt on it.

Any child who decides to show off her High School Musical 2 dance routine while a football game is being broadcasted will be offered up for adoption to Brad and Angelina. As is.

Any persons who cross the family room floor will be sent to their rooms without dinner unless they crouch while passing in front of the screen. The crouched walk has been taught, practiced and preached- any person who walks in an (censored) position will be deemed a traitor and forced to watch Ishtar is slow motion.

2. Nutritional needs are not a priority on Saturdays.'s your chance to ask Mommy for cake and ice cream for breakfast! In fact, timing is everything. If you ask for cotton candy and deep fried twinkies while Lee Corso is deciding which mascot head to don, you'll probably get a quick nod of the head and a swift dismissal via hand.

Don't expect anything home-cooked, unless you count Papa Johns pizza heating in the oven as home-made. Better yet, don't expect anything. Period. Football season is why vitamins were made, so throw back a Barney Rubble with some OJ and quit your complaining.

3. Demands for sex will be accepted only during certain hours of Saturday.

Please note the following time changes for when sex will be not be accommodated: 6:30 AM -11:15 PM (PST) every Saturday will no longer be acceptable times for sex due to conflicts with college football games.

If you feel dauncy and want to risk punishment, please feel free to solicit for sex during that time frame and watch for future schedule changes. Permanently.

4. Notre Dame NC STATE games will be watched even if there are better games on at the same time.

Given that the Irish Wolfpack were 3-9 last year (something equally as embarassing), this year's team has everyone curious. Will they crash and burn or look like a BCS contender? Either way, the Aztecs v the Irish Tarheels v the Wolfpack will be akin to watching a possible train-wreck or a complete rout. It has "huge ratings" written all over it no matter what the outcome due to last year's Navy game. If any person complains about the quality of football game viewing, please note the PIP (picture in picture) feature will be used.

Besides, I want to see if Lou will nail his locker room pep talk.

5. No one shall question the merits of any game being played on August 28th.

Any person who asks why I am watching Middle Tennessee v Troy, Buffalo v UTEP, Vandy v Miami (Ohio), Eastern Michigan v Indiana State, Ball State v Northeastern, UConn v Hofstra, Cincy v Eastern Kentucky, Stanford v Oregon State, Georgia Tech v Jacksonville State, NC State v South Carolina, or Iowa State v South Dakota State on Thurday, August 28th, will be shot on site. "Shoot first, ask questions later" will be the motto of the day.

I have waited seven long months for some college football, and frankly, the thought of watching Iowa State v South Dakota State live on television has my mouth watering.

August 28th, the first day of college football, should be viewed as a National holiday and treated with the utmost dignity and respect.

Every one of the games will be the most beautiful games I have ever watched, and the South Carolina v NC State, an ESPN Thursday night special, will be watched with tears in my eyes as soon as the theme music starts up. Kurt, I miss you already.

6. From 7:00-9:00 AM PST, all requests requiring Mommy to take her eyes off the TV set will be ignored.

Sure the show has gotten commercial, sure the two stars, Lee Corso and Kirk Herbstreit, have made the concept seem a little contrived, and sure Lou Holtz can be downright irritating. But after seven long months, I can't wait for College Game Day to start.

In fact, I'll probably cry tears of joy as soon as I see the Home Depot desk with Lee tapping his pencil, and Kirk setting Lee up for a "Not so fast, my friend." I'll scream with laughter at all the goofy signs, admire the cheerleaders standing on their partner's shoulders, and take a deep breath the second they mention my team.

Oh yeah, the second anyone asks me, "Can I .....?" while the show is on will either get ignored or a quick nod of the head. Kids, here is your chance to go ask if you can play in traffic, set the dog on fire or try your first cup of coffee. I'm not listening. I'm in a trance.

7. No one shall make fun of any attire worn during Saturdays.

There comes a time when wardrobe critique from small children or spouses should be quelled. Saturdays are one of those days. (Note- spouses should take special note of the possible sex schedule being changed if too much critique is made of clothing.)

Since I have probably not slept much Friday night due to the anticipation of College Football on Saturday, I will be looking pretty bad. Pajamas, slippers, un-brushed teeth and bedhead are to be expected until approximately 12 noon.

Yes, I look like a witch. I also may be a little ornery, depending on whether or not my doctor has approved my request to have a temporary catheter (to avoid potty breaks) on Saturdays. (He's thinking about it, by the way)

I may not ever change my clothes on the day of the games because they are too exciting. Deal with it. Take the kids to the park if the sight of me is too horrid. In fact, just stay the heck out of my way until 11 PM. Then I'm all yours.

8. Any person(s) who plays the "hide the remote from Mommy" game will suffer serious consequences.

Yes, Saturday morning cartoons are important to all children. That's why each child has a TV and DVD player in their own rooms. Santa Claus wasn't born yesterday, honey. If the remote suddenly gets "misplaced" on a Saturday, the punishment will be liver and onions for lunch (home delivery, of course) and steamed brussel sprouts for dinner (frozen bag in microwave). The stench should be a poignant reminder of such foolish behavior.

Furthermore, any comments of "more football?" or "when is it over?" will cause the the offensive mouth to be bound with duct tape. After ten years, you should know better than to say such blasphemous words and you will treated as one who has committed an act of treason. Recognize.

9. Any phone calls from friends will be treated the same as telemarketing solicitations.

Just what kind of friend are you if you want to know if we can go to lunch? You know I'm officially busy all day, and after all these years, your phone calls are annoying, at best.

The phone will simply not be answered- unless it's from my bosses from, of course. All other calls will viewed as solicitation calls and will get ignored. Moreover, a secondary follow-up call on my cell phone will be viewed as harassment.

I don't bug you during Idol and House, M.D., so don't bother me while I am enjoying my football.

10. Baseball is officially non-existent on Saturdays.

I don't care if it's close to the play-offs. When football is on, there is no other sport worth watching. Including baseball.

I have suffered all Summer watching these players chase butterflies in the outfield, whiff on fast balls and overthrow to first base. I'm tired of the rally (censored) not working his magic. I'm sick and tired of A-Rod's alleged dalliances and Giambi's mustache.

I need some contact sport, I need some violence, I need to see some green turf without brown dirt in the middle of it. I don't want to see any more managers kicking dirt at the ump's feet, I want to see Spurrier throw his visor, dang it. Out with the Cracker Jacks, in with the brats on a grill!

The House has spoken.

*Please note- in case of emergency (ie- devastating earthquakes, mudslides, brush fires, locusts invasions, pestilence or California falling off the face of the earth), please evacuate house and take all valuables to the nearest Red Cross Shelter. Do not spend your last fleeting moments of life begging me to leave the television for safety.

Think of me as a postal carrier- "neither rain, sleet, snow, or hail"...blah blah. I'm not letting a catastrophe from keeping me from my mission.

Besides, I'm already in heaven.
Obviously, I added a special little spin... but you get it.

PS - Fashionable dressing is totally acceptable if your tailgate attire of choice is from Buzz & Berly!


  1. What if you have three HD TVs? Two of which are on top of each other...Yeah they're will be 3 games playing at the Fields-Calabria household on Saturdays in one room.

    I have a feeling I should just print this up at Kinko's, frame them, and give them to as a present for football season.

    Gotta love football season. Mimosa dates for the morning games, Lisa?


  2. Seriously!

    Mimosas?! I'm IN! (I'll bring the monogrammed glasses!)

  3. Madam, were it not for the objections of my wife, I would marry you. My daughter, who turns 4 tomorrow, is rapidly learning that, while I love her dearly, between September and February, I only love her during the week. On weekends, my love is reserved for large men in garish clothing who smash into each other with great violence.

  4. Great work. Circulated this to my fellow Auburn girlfriends, and we wanted to suggest the following Addendum:

    -There will be no talking of "E" entertainment television or other fluff commentary
    -There will be no hair styling or fingernail painting
    -There will be no dresses and heels...only ball caps, ponytails, jerseys, and other fanatic, yet stylish, wardrobe
    -There will be no "frufru" drinks...only beer, hard liquor, and for some, wine

  5. As a fellow ACCer (GO TIGERS), I approve of this list (not that conference affiliation matters, just figured I'd toss that in there).

    While I generally don't cheer for any member of the Atlantic Division, I'll be pulling for you guys HARD when you open your schedule down in Columbia. *doeswolfpackhandsignal*

  6. Stanford v Oregon State

    NC State v South Carolina

    Iowa State v South Dakota State

    Those are the most interesting matchups that day. The NCST/USC contest should be the most interesting to watch. Be mindful of Superior's Jedi tricks.

    I'm not a PAC-10 fan, so I'm only interested in the Stanfraud/OSU game to let me know if Stanfraud is actually decent, or simply a pretender.

    The ISU/SDST could be more difficult than the Cyclones think. As I recall, SDST runs a wide-open offense, and may give ISU fits. I'd put this one down as the upset special.

    Gawd, 43 days.

  7. Fashionable dressing is totally acceptable if your tailgate attire of choice is from Buzz & Berly!

    And YAY for Tigers fans throwing their Wolfies, too on the 28th!

  8. Irene,

    I veto the no dresses and heels.
    Those are the absolute best parts for us guys.

    Besides if y'all stop wearing sundresses, I might not be able to wear my suede mustard pants.

  9. EXCELLENT post, and I am so relieved to hear that there other women/wives/ mothers who understand these rules. In fact, I reiterate them many times over in my household in the Fall. I especially can relate to the watching of cupcake games before the "real" season starts. By the time Aug. 28 gets here, I am so crazy for football that I will watch ANYTHING!! (my husband, by the way, thinks I am officially insane)

    By the time Aug. 30 gets here--when my beloved Crimson Tide opens against Clemson--I may be drooling!

    Enjoy your season!!